undeadname.

 how dead can a name be if once a year it comes back to life from people's mouths like a zombie, eating up my brain for days after hearing it?

how dead can a name be if it's intrinsically tied to important life choices, thus following me into my letterbox?

how dead can a name be if even though it's not been mine for years all the conditioning means i still respond to it as if it was?

how dead can a name be if it's still connected to me enough that it sends shivers down my spine every time i hear it even when it's not about me?

how dead can a name be if there are people in this world who know me by nothing other than that?

how dead can a name be if it still hunts me years after i rejected it through my very own history written on paper?

how dead can a name be if every time i thought i left it behind it startles me by appearing somewhere unexpectedly?

how dead can a name be if i can barely go a day without seeing it somewhere, lurking in the shadows?

i tried killing that name but it haunts me like a ghost, the ghost of disrespect, of habit, of incorrect gender assignment, that decided to attach itself to me. every time i try killing that name it dies a little bit, it haunts me a little less, but it will never be truly dead, it's just waiting to jump out at me again, waiting to ruin another day.