(no subject)

the thing about maveriquehood is that it isn't related to the binary, but i still feel like i relate to certain expressions of binary gender, or that i have to use binary language to explain myself.

i love wearing skirts, jewelry & floral, things society associates with women. but i'm not female, so even i, who has also internalised the binary, take the most unfemale gender that comes to mind and sort of relate to it. when i wear dresses, i'm not doing it the way a woman does, i'm doing it in a way someone who is entirely unfemale does - & society says this is men. so i end up kind of relating to feminine men without relating to femininity or manhood, without ever wanting to call myself or be associated with either of these things.

i love having shaved hair, wearing baggy clothes & tops that show off my big fat arms, things society associates with men. but i'm not male, so even i take the most unmale gender that comes to mind and sort of relate to it. when i wear my hair short, i'm not doing it the way a man does, i'm doing it in a way someone who is entirely unmale does - & society says this is women. so i end up kind of relating to masculine women without relating to masculinity or womanhood, without ever wanting to call myself or be associated with either of these things.

this is however why i am both a fag & a dyke, both a failed man & a failed woman in society's eyes, queer in ways that don't have language yet. the only way i'll ever relate to the binary is in ways that are so queer even other queer people often don't get it.

when i try to express how queer my gender is, i feel a pressure to use binary language to explain it. for example, referring to my boobs as "the boys" would mark them as unfeminine more clearly than simply not using binary terms. using cross-binary language is considered an active choice, an act of nonconformity, whereas the lack of binary language is seen as passive & not a big deal, if people notice it at all. & it's not like we have maverique-specific or even nonbinary-specific terms that are even remotely recognised. but i don't give in to this pressure because no binary terms feel authentic to me.

the binary is inescapable.