(no subject)

the way some trans people talk about dead nonbinary people in comparison to dead binary trans people is honestly disgusting and deeply concerning.

when a binary trans person dies, i've not seen any trans people say something like "oh, but maybe they would have realised they were nonbinary eventually, we just don't know!"

but when a nonbinary person dies i have seen a concerning amount of trans people basically say "oh, but maybe they would have realised they were binary trans down the line, we just don't know!"

when a binary trans person dies, their identity is accepted as fact by trans people.

when a nonbinary person dies, their identity is speculated upon by trans people.

and this is happening in addition to all the crap cis people say about dead trans people.

this is so clearly rooted in the idea that to be binary trans means to have arrived, to have finished your journey, whereas nonbinarity is only seen as a stepping stone, as a temporary stop on your journey towards binary transness.

and when a nonbinary person dies, that "journey to binary transness" has been robbed from them", but it's never the other way round, because nonbinarity can never be the end, it can never be the goal, it can never be arrival.

discord: the.delta.quadrant Mx Delta Löhden (they/them/theirs)

(no subject)

i'm confused by the term atrinary because western culture only recognises a gender binary. and when the cultures that recognise exactly three genders it's not like that "third gender" is the same in every single culture. there is no such thing as a monolithic gender trinary. it seems like some people on tumblr have decided that neutral/neutrois is the third gender in the gender trinary. but like gender binary, the term gender binary (and thus atrinary) kind of implies that a third gender, in this case neutrois, is actually recognised by society. it's not. it's also completely arbitrary that people have decided neutrois is the "third gender". sure, there are a lot of people who "accept" nonbinary people but think all of us are neutrois, creating a three-gender system in their minds, but there are just as many people who think all nonbinary people are agender or "in between"/androgyne. depending on what kind of exorsexist you encounter, the "gender trinary" is male/female/neutrois, male/female/none or male/female/androgyne. it's entirely arbitrary how people on tumblr have decided to put neutrois in this weird position of supposedly being more recognised societally than maveriques and other genders that are called "atrinary". because at the end of the day, as a maverique, if i look at my neutrois siblings, our experiences barely differ at all as people disconnected from the gender binary. no hate, but "atrinary" is a term you will never see me use.

discord: the.delta.quadrant

(no subject)

when i keep being mistaken for a guy as an afab abinary person and i can't correct them out of fear for my safety, this feels like a forced social detransition and recloseting to me even though manhood is not the direction i "came from". idk if that makes sense at all and it feels like a uniquely nonbinary experience for being forced to play at both binary genders at times to feel like a way of forced detransition. i'm not sure what else i would call "being forced to transition away from who i am".

discord: the.delta.quadrant

(no subject)

i feel like there are two kinds of they/them pronouns: the sort of anonymous they you use when you don't know someone's pronouns or for sn entirely hypothetical person, and the they/them that is especially used for many nonbinary people. this is why they/them feels distinctly gendered to me as a maverique and why i object to the idea that they/them pronouns are always or inherently non-gendered, especially with the now common association of they/them pronouns with nonbinary people. in a way, when it comes to nonbinary people with genders, they/them now kind of have a gendered association apart from the binary. if they didn't, they wouldn't get all the hate that they do.

they/them pronouns are literally schrödinger's gender because in one way they're often used very anonymously, and thus in a non-gendered way, but in another way they're often associated with nonbinary genderedness specifically, as well as genderlessness in a specific person.

gender-neutral pronouns like they/them that don't inherently have a gendered connotation gain one by so commonly being used by nonbinary people (who may or may not have genders). nonbinary people took the most common gender-neutral pronoun and made it our own, so singular they is used in two distinct ways.

discord: the.delta.quadrant

(no subject)

it's gross how people always try to pit fat people and people with EDs against each other, as if fat people don't have EDs and have a much harder time getting treatment. but these people probably think the only ED we can have is eating too much. if fat people being openly fat and talking about our lives, experiences and marginalisation somehow "makes your ED worse" it's not really our problem and we shouldn't have to censor ourselves, especially in conversations thin people should finally fucking listen to. your triggers aren't our responsibility and to treat our fat bodies and fat identities as somehow inherently triggering is disgusting. we're not some monstrosity to be hidden away from the public and believing that is literally a part of the marginalisation we experience. just for a second imagine that a cisgender person went "actually, transgender people talking openly about their experiences with transness is triggering" and then expect us to censor ourselves, never listen to us and never become allies. why is this somehow okay when thin people do it to fat people? if you have some kind of response to fat people living and speaking on our experience, that's something you need to work on yourself or with someone else, but we aren't the scapegoat. also, if you're a thin person who gets angry with fat people for not entertaining the idea of you "feeling fat", have you considered not being fatmisic and entitled? when we talk about fatness, we're talking about the lived reality of living in a larger body, which thin people, regardless of their body image, do not experience. it's not about how we "see ourselves", it's about our lived experience. you could literally use any other phrase to say you're not feeling good about your body and yet you decide to use the word fat to describe something bad. imagine if a sighted person just went "i feel so blind today :(", as if blind was a bad thing to be, and expected to be fully included in things meant for blind people despite sharing little to no experience with us. it's ableist and it's entitled. so i ask you again, why is it suddenly okay when thin people do this to fat people?

discord: the.delta.quadrant

(no subject)

you're not "gender blind", you're just attracted to people regardless of gender and decided to be ableist about it.

we've asked you millions of times not to use our disability as a metaphor for something that has absolutely nothing to do with blindness.

i need you all to understand how deeeply dehumanising it is for people to see blindness as nothing but a metaphor.

especially since we're usually excluded from orientation anyway. do you know how often i have to hear people say "i'm gay, not blind", as if blind people can't find people attractive, can't have an orientation, can't be queer? people are literally out here claiming i'm only asexual because i'm blind and you lot just... take our word and use it in the weirdest way possible. people who don't even bother to make their spaces accessible to us, especially online.

also "gender blind" literally implies that gender is something you can see which is a backwards belief for queer people to have.

if you're sighted (and i mean actually sighted, not some metaphor bs - oh wait, you only do that to us!), blind is not your word. keep your bloody hands off it.

discord: the.delta.quadrant

(no subject)

some of the reasons why some (especially gender-conforming) binary trans people get upset about being misgendered seem to be so fundamentally different from why nonbinary people do.

on countless occasions i've seen people go "they called me a woman, but with my short hair and baggy clothes it should be so obvious that i'm a man!" or "they called me a man, but with my make up and dress it should be so obvious i'm a woman!". and then we get binary trans people getting mad when asked their pronouns because "how dare you not just assume i'm a man/woman".

and i have never, ever seen a nonbinary person say something along those lines, because we just know that the world doesn't have space for us, that we're not recognised the same way men and women are.

some binary trans people are upset about people assuming their gender incorrectly, nonbinary people are upset about gender being assumed at all, because they'd never assume our correct gender anyway.

we know that assuming gender based on appearance is such a deeply learned behaviour that we automatically do it in a split second. it seems like some trans people just want to shift how we assume gender based on appearance, like instead of assuming it based on body shape, height, clothes, hair etc, just everything altogether, that we should just start assuming gender based on clothes and hair instead. to be absolutely clear: both of these ways to assume gender are messed up. all ways of assuming gender are messed up.

it also very much shows that the binary trans people who want this don't hold any space for nonbinary people either, because they are also advocating for us to be (mis)gendered based on appearance.

the solution to misgendering isn't to shift the goalposts of assuming gender. it's to unlearn gender assumption as a whole, not gender random people or ask what terms and pronouns they use. it's supposed to be affirming for all trans people.

discord: the.delta.quadrant

(no subject)

"it's not bigoted comments that are bad, it's when people don't reflect that's bad."

yes, bigoted comments are bad. they are always bad. they always do harm. it doesn't matter if it was accidental or intentional. it doesn't matter if this was someone's first bigoted comment or if they regularly make them. bigoted comments are always harmful.

to be completely honest, i don't really care if my classmates who bullied me have since reflected on their actions. sure, i'm glad they hopefully don't say these things to other people, but that doesn't make my trauma go away.

it doesn't matter to me whether the first trans group i ever interacted with kept making exorsexist comments has since unlearned their exorsexism. the fact that this was my first interaction with trans community stays with me to this day.

i don't really care if random people commenting on my appearance in public learn the errors of their ways. it doesn't change fuck all for me and i feel less comfortable existing in public.

the harm is done. i'm glad that if they reflect on their biases, no one else will be subjected to bigotry from them, but it doesn't mean that their bigoted comments aren't bad. they still live within the people who had to endure them. the harm is done.

you cannot reflect your way out of accountability. you can now be the most reflected person and fierce ally to marginalised people and there will still be people who are harmed or even traumatised by your comments to this day. this is something we all have to accept. changing your ways won't undo the harm that is already done, which is why bigoted comments are always, always bad.

discord: the.delta.quadrant

(no subject)

it's not really that hard to just mirror the language people use to identify themselves just because "this other term also applies so i'll just use it instead".

if someone only ever calls themself agender, just call them agender too, instead of defaulting to nonbinary. if someone identifies as a nonbinary woman, call them that, instead of just nonbinary or just a woman. if someone only ever refers to themself as someone "with autism", don't just call them autistic. if someone only ever calls themself plus-size, just call them plus-size instead of fat. if someone calls themself low vision, just call them that instead of blind or visually impaired. if someone calls themself bi, just call them bi instead of bisexual or biromantic.

don't assume things. labels are so individual. the worst thing that happens is that you find out they were fine with other terms being used. but the best thing that can happen is that you show someone that you listen and acknowledge, respect and honour their identity and the language that they use, which is a kind and beautiful thing to do.

this is about individual people btw, not whole communities. "nonbinary", "fat", "trans", "autistic", "blind" etc. may still describe entire communities despite not everyone in that community also using that term, if that makes sense. when i say "nonbinary people", we're talking about anyone this term applies to, but if an individual person asks to call them specifically something else instead, just honour their request.

or you could, you know, just ask what terms someone would like to be called. this is true for all terms really, not just gendered ones.

discord: the.delta.quadrant

(no subject)

i keep seeing people talk about how people avoid gendering binary trans people so they don't have to acknowledge their genders, but i hardly ever see it talked about when it happens to nonbinary people.nonbinary people often get degendered too, by the way, even by other trans people. a lot of people just seem to think it's impossible because most of us use they/them pronouns. but if we keep having both cis and trans people only ever calling specific nonbinary people "a trans person" but barely acknowledging their nonbinaryhood, that's the same violence that's done to binary trans people. yes, most of us use they/them pronouns and non-gendered language like "person", but that literally means that "nonbinary" or another specific label someone uses is pretty much the main way to acknowledge our genders, and yet so many people avoid the term "nonbinary" altogether. it's especially weird coming from other trans people who have no problem saying "trans man" or "trans woman", but will call a nonbinary person "trans person" rather than acknowledging their nonbinaryhood.

my gender is not trans. my gender is nonbinary or more specifically maverique. nonbinary is not a dirty word, and "trans" is not a substitute for my actual gender.

discord: the.delta.quadrant

(no subject)

i don't actually think "x person/people are making our community look bad" is actually a thing.

let's talk about trans people for example. some trans people are arseholes. some trans people are horrible people. but they're still trans. they don't have the societal power to make the whole community look bad.

what really happens is that transmisic people focus on those trans arseholes. they just wait for a trans person to do something shitty and use it against our whole community.

the problem is that people don't afford trans people the same level of nuance and individuality as cis people. when a trans person does something horrible, they jump on it, but conveniently ignore that cis people do those very same things and often do more horrible things than trans people.

the problem is that trans people are held to a standard of nothing less than perfection and anything other will be used against us, whereas cis people just get to be people.

the problem is that trans people are expected to assume a collective responsibility when one of us is shitty while cis people aren't held to the same standard.

cis people have the power to make us look bad. they'll find one or two trans people doing something bad and they will blow it out of proportion because it plays into their biased idea of us.

discord: the.delta.quadrant

(no subject)

i saw someone define trans as "not identifying as the gender you were socialised as" and that definition is weird af, because...

the idea of gendered socialisation is terf rhetoric. it ignores trans people who got to be who they are when they were as young as three years old. they barely had the chance to be "socialised" as anything. when would socialisation begin, when would it stop? it ignores that we're all socialised with ideas on how both binary genders have to act etc. and most importantly, it completely ignores that transness massively plays into how we are socialised, rather than socialisation being the source of our transness. trans people aren't "socialised" as simply our AGAB, our childhoods aren't analogous to cis people of our AGAB. if anything, we're "socialised" as TRANS people. i'd say i was socialised as a nonbinary person who people insisted was a girl. i was socialised as "other". i was socialised as "gender failure". i was socialised as "you don't belong". so i absolutely do identify with the gender i was "socialised" as, because that very gender already influenced my socialisation.

discord: the.delta.quadrant

(no subject)

discord: the.delta.quadrant

(no subject)

it's fun seeing people vent about me without using my name but it's more than obvious but conveniently only telling half of the story

during the friendship with this group they essentially ghosted me endlessly. it was one sided, i was the only one ever reaching out and half the time i was ghosted. so i got fed up and fucked off like 3 times, but came back every time because of loneliness. should have been a dead giveaway that they did not care that during the time i was gone they still didn't reach out. why did i keep going back? idk. i guess i hate myself more than i respect myself.

march if 2023 we were talking once again. they kept disappearing over and over. around late march my dad got diagnosed with kidney cancer. i was absolutely fucking broken over not being able to be with him in person for support. in this situation i would have needed friends. friends that don't keep disappearing of the face of the earth. but whatever happened, their problems somehow always outweighed mine.

now i admit that i got upset. said bad things i didn't mean, that i later apologised for. i also apologised on behalf of my sister who got involved, also stressed and fucked up over my dad.

and i left again. i didn't have the capacity to deal with my dad, this constant up and down friendship thing and some other stuff in my life

and came back in december. why? fuck knows. things seemed normal actually.

until today, when i saw their post where they framed like i "bailed" and said shitty things for basically no reason at all. they just ... left out the whole part where they kept disappearing first, even months before. they left out the part in what situation they "bailed" on me first.

being terrified to watch a parent die. especially when it brings back all the trauma feelings

reading that post, anonymous or not really hurts me because it's only half the truth. they say it was "understandeable" what i did but say nothing about what they did. it hurts after all this time they still don't understand when back in december it seemed fine. they say they did all of this because of disability. but i'm disabled too, and i was there for them for as long as i could take being ghosted again and again. disability doesn't make someone abandon you when you need them most, disability is not an excuse for shitty behaviours

why did i even go back after this.

i hate myself

discord: the.delta.quadrant