it's fun seeing people vent about me without using my name but it's more than obvious but conveniently only telling half of the story

during the friendship with this group they essentially ghosted me endlessly. it was one sided, i was the only one ever reaching out and half the time i was ghosted. so i got fed up and fucked off like 3 times, but came back every time because of loneliness. should have been a dead giveaway that they did not care that during the time i was gone they still didn't reach out. why did i keep going back? idk. i guess i hate myself more than i respect myself.

march if 2023 we were talking once again. they kept disappearing over and over. around late march my dad got diagnosed with kidney cancer. i was absolutely fucking broken over not being able to be with him in person for support. in this situation i would have needed friends. friends that don't keep disappearing of the face of the earth. but whatever happened, their problems somehow always outweighed mine.

now i admit that i got upset. said bad things i didn't mean, that i later apologised for. i also apologised on behalf of my sister who got involved, also stressed and fucked up over my dad.

and i left again. i didn't have the capacity to deal with my dad, this constant up and down friendship thing and some other stuff in my life

and came back in december. why? fuck knows. things seemed normal actually.

until today, when i saw their post where they framed like i "bailed" and said shitty things for basically no reason at all. they just ... left out the whole part where they kept disappearing first, even months before. they left out the part in what situation they "bailed" on me first.

being terrified to watch a parent die. especially when it brings back all the trauma feelings

reading that post, anonymous or not really hurts me because it's only half the truth. they say it was "understandeable" what i did but say nothing about what they did. it hurts after all this time they still don't understand when back in december it seemed fine. they say they did all of this because of disability. but i'm disabled too, and i was there for them for as long as i could take being ghosted again and again. disability doesn't make someone abandon you when you need them most, disability is not an excuse for shitty behaviours

why did i even go back after this.

i hate myself

discord: the.delta.quadrant

i saw someone define trans as "not identifying as the gender you were socialised as" and that definition is weird af, because...

the idea of gendered socialisation is terf rhetoric. it ignores trans people who got to be who they are when they were as young as three years old. they barely had the chance to be "socialised" as anything. when would socialisation begin, when would it stop? it ignores that we're all socialised with ideas on how both binary genders have to act etc. and most importantly, it completely ignores that transness massively plays into how we are socialised, rather than socialisation being the source of our transness. trans people aren't "socialised" as simply our AGAB, our childhoods aren't analogous to cis people of our AGAB. if anything, we're "socialised" as TRANS people. i'd say i was socialised as a nonbinary person who people insisted was a girl. i was socialised as "other". i was socialised as "gender failure". i was socialised as "you don't belong". so i absolutely do identify with the gender i was "socialised" as, because that very gender already influenced my socialisation.

discord: the.delta.quadrant

i keep seeing people talk about how people avoid gendering binary trans people so they don't have to acknowledge their genders, but i hardly ever see it talked about when it happens to nonbinary people.nonbinary people often get degendered too, by the way, even by other trans people. a lot of people just seem to think it's impossible because most of us use they/them pronouns. but if we keep having both cis and trans people only ever calling specific nonbinary people "a trans person" but barely acknowledging their nonbinaryhood, that's the same violence that's done to binary trans people. yes, most of us use they/them pronouns and non-gendered language like "person", but that literally means that "nonbinary" or another specific label someone uses is pretty much the main way to acknowledge our genders, and yet so many people avoid the term "nonbinary" altogether. it's especially weird coming from other trans people who have no problem saying "trans man" or "trans woman", but will call a nonbinary person "trans person" rather than acknowledging their nonbinaryhood.

my gender is not trans. my gender is nonbinary or more specifically maverique. nonbinary is not a dirty word, and "trans" is not a substitute for my actual gender.

discord: the.delta.quadrant

"it's not bigoted comments that are bad, it's when people don't reflect that's bad."

yes, bigoted comments are bad. they are always bad. they always do harm. it doesn't matter if it was accidental or intentional. it doesn't matter if this was someone's first bigoted comment or if they regularly make them. bigoted comments are always harmful.

to be completely honest, i don't really care if my classmates who bullied me have since reflected on their actions. sure, i'm glad they hopefully don't say these things to other people, but that doesn't make my trauma go away.

it doesn't matter to me whether the first trans group i ever interacted with kept making exorsexist comments has since unlearned their exorsexism. the fact that this was my first interaction with trans community stays with me to this day.

i don't really care if random people commenting on my appearance in public learn the errors of their ways. it doesn't change fuck all for me and i feel less comfortable existing in public.

the harm is done. i'm glad that if they reflect on their biases, no one else will be subjected to bigotry from them, but it doesn't mean that their bigoted comments aren't bad. they still live within the people who had to endure them. the harm is done.

you cannot reflect your way out of accountability. you can now be the most reflected person and fierce ally to marginalised people and there will still be people who are harmed or even traumatised by your comments to this day. this is something we all have to accept. changing your ways won't undo the harm that is already done, which is why bigoted comments are always, always bad.

discord: the.delta.quadrant

you're not "gender blind", you're just attracted to people regardless of gender and decided to be ableist about it.

we've asked you millions of times not to use our disability as a metaphor for something that has absolutely nothing to do with blindness.

i need you all to understand how deeeply dehumanising it is for people to see blindness as nothing but a metaphor.

especially since we're usually excluded from orientation anyway. do you know how often i have to hear people say "i'm gay, not blind", as if blind people can't find people attractive, can't have an orientation, can't be queer? people are literally out here claiming i'm only asexual because i'm blind and you lot just... take our word and use it in the weirdest way possible. people who don't even bother to make their spaces accessible to us, especially online.

also "gender blind" literally implies that gender is something you can see which is a backwards belief for queer people to have.

if you're sighted (and i mean actually sighted, not some metaphor bs - oh wait, you only do that to us!), blind is not your word. keep your bloody hands off it.

discord: the.delta.quadrant

i feel like there are two kinds of they/them pronouns: the sort of anonymous they you use when you don't know someone's pronouns or for sn entirely hypothetical person, and the they/them that is especially used for many nonbinary people. this is why they/them feels distinctly gendered to me as a maverique and why i object to the idea that they/them pronouns are always or inherently non-gendered, especially with the now common association of they/them pronouns with nonbinary people. in a way, when it comes to nonbinary people with genders, they/them now kind of have a gendered association apart from the binary. if they didn't, they wouldn't get all the hate that they do.

they/them pronouns are literally schrödinger's gender because in one way they're often used very anonymously, and thus in a non-gendered way, but in another way they're often associated with nonbinary genderedness specifically, as well as genderlessness in a specific person.

gender-neutral pronouns like they/them that don't inherently have a gendered connotation gain one by so commonly being used by nonbinary people (who may or may not have genders). nonbinary people took the most common gender-neutral pronoun and made it our own, so singular they is used in two distinct ways.

discord: the.delta.quadrant

i'm confused by the term atrinary because western culture only recognises a gender binary. and when the cultures that recognise exactly three genders it's not like that "third gender" is the same in every single culture. there is no such thing as a monolithic gender trinary. it seems like some people on tumblr have decided that neutral/neutrois is the third gender in the gender trinary. but like gender binary, the term gender binary (and thus atrinary) kind of implies that a third gender, in this case neutrois, is actually recognised by society. it's not. it's also completely arbitrary that people have decided neutrois is the "third gender". sure, there are a lot of people who "accept" nonbinary people but think all of us are neutrois, creating a three-gender system in their minds, but there are just as many people who think all nonbinary people are agender or "in between"/androgyne. depending on what kind of exorsexist you encounter, the "gender trinary" is male/female/neutrois, male/female/none or male/female/androgyne. it's entirely arbitrary how people on tumblr have decided to put neutrois in this weird position of supposedly being more recognised societally than maveriques and other genders that are called "atrinary". because at the end of the day, as a maverique, if i look at my neutrois siblings, our experiences barely differ at all as people disconnected from the gender binary. no hate, but "atrinary" is a term you will never see me use.

discord: the.delta.quadrant

the thing about maveriquehood is that it isn't related to the binary, but i still feel like i relate to certain expressions of binary gender, or that i have to use binary language to explain myself.

i love wearing skirts, jewelry & floral, things society associates with women. but i'm not female, so even i, who has also internalised the binary, take the most unfemale gender that comes to mind and sort of relate to it. when i wear dresses, i'm not doing it the way a woman does, i'm doing it in a way someone who is entirely unfemale does - & society says this is men. so i end up kind of relating to feminine men without relating to femininity or manhood, without ever wanting to call myself or be associated with either of these things.

i love having shaved hair, wearing baggy clothes & tops that show off my big fat arms, things society associates with men. but i'm not male, so even i take the most unmale gender that comes to mind and sort of relate to it. when i wear my hair short, i'm not doing it the way a man does, i'm doing it in a way someone who is entirely unmale does - & society says this is women. so i end up kind of relating to masculine women without relating to masculinity or womanhood, without ever wanting to call myself or be associated with either of these things.

this is however why i am both a fag & a dyke, both a failed man & a failed woman in society's eyes, queer in ways that don't have language yet. the only way i'll ever relate to the binary is in ways that are so queer even other queer people often don't get it.

when i try to express how queer my gender is, i feel a pressure to use binary language to explain it. for example, referring to my boobs as "the boys" would mark them as unfeminine more clearly than simply not using binary terms. using cross-binary language is considered an active choice, an act of nonconformity, whereas the lack of binary language is seen as passive & not a big deal, if people notice it at all. & it's not like we have maverique-specific or even nonbinary-specific terms that are even remotely recognised. but i don't give in to this pressure because no binary terms feel authentic to me.

the binary is inescapable.

-misia: examples: JKR is transmisic. they're struggling with internalised fatmisia. "-misia" comes from the greek word for hate and it's already used in other oppression terms like misogyny. out of all the options, it's the most similar one to "-phobia" grammatically. there is no agreed upon noun for someone who is -misic, though i have seen -miser, -misist and simply -misic used for that. examples: JKR is a transmiser. transmisics are having a go under my youtube shorts. some transmisist insulted me.

anti-: examples: anti-aceness is detrimental to aces' mental health. transmedicalism is inherently anti-nonbinary. "anti-" means "against" and it's already commonly used when it comes to lawmaking, so it's intuitive. there is, however, no noun to refer to someone who is anti-.

-antagonism: examples: amatonormativity is aro-antagonistic. bi-antagonism is still common in queer spaces. the weight loss industry is full of fat-antagonists. "antagonism" refers to hatred and hostility.

-negativity: examples: using "gay" as an insult is homonegative. i have encountered transnegativity in the medical field. this suffix is pretty self-explanatory. it also complements "-positivity" which is often used to describe affirmation of a marginalised group. there isn't really a noun to refer to someone who is -negative, but you could just say "-negatives". example: transnegatives are ruining our community.

-hostility: examples: transhostility is on the rise. expecting fat people to hide our bodies is fathostile. another self-explanatory one, and another one without a noun to call -hostile people, but once again, you can just use the adjective as a noun. example: there were a lot of homohostiles at my school.

-hate: examples: IGM is a manifestation of intersex-hate. pan-haters think bi is the only valid label for multi-attraction. this is another very straight-forward one, although there isn't really an adjective to refer to something or someone who exhibits -hate. maybe -hating or -hateful. examples: banning transition for minors is trans-hateful. TERFs are trans-hating misogynists.

-ism: "-ism" as a suffix for oppression is already known from terms like ableism, racism, classism or sexism.

a short list of -isms: if something is anti-gay, it is heterosexist. if something is anti-bi/mspec, it is monosexist. if something is anti-trans, it is cissexist. if something is anti-ace/aro, it is allosexist. if something is anti-intersex, it is intersexist or perisexist. if something is anti-nonbinary, it is exorsexist. if something is anti-fat, it is sizeist.

there are many ways to not be ableist. choose one.

"before getting out of your car, do you check everyone's bumper stickers to make sure you're not gonna get attacked or are you cis?"

neither, actually.

no hate to the people who post stuff like this, but also people don't realise how truly vulnerable you are when you're blind, especially when you're otherwise marginalised too.

i can't read bumper stickers from a safe distance.

i can't read their nazi bumper stickers from the same distance they will clock me as trans.

i don't drive, so i often don't have the shield of a vehicle.

so i just have to go somewhere, hope for the best, hope to not get hate crimed.

someone on a trans podcast i listen to talked about how she needed to gtfo from somewhere because someone had a nazi bumper sticker and wore nazi clothing.

only then did it hit me how truly vulnerable i am for not being able to see these things from afar.